I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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