Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
