I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
