I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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