I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
