I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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