I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
