Your mouth is God's brothel.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
