life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so that wasnt chicken after all
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
