in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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