just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
