I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
