I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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