peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
