Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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