I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
