I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
