No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
