I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.