Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite