Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
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it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
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I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.