Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
