you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
