You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
