You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
