the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
