My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
