Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize