I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
