I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
