Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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