I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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