I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
