I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
