Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
