Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
