I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
