oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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