Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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