He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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