Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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