Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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