Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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