Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
