He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
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