Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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