I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
