Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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