so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
