Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I wish you could order shots online.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
