So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
