she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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