So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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