I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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