what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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