Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
