Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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