I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
