Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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