My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
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Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
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Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
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