They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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