dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
